This is going to be a rather difficult post. I don't exactly have the words to say all that I am thinking and going through. You see I have found myself in a new place. I prayed fervently about 10 years ago over something and have continued to pray just not as fervently. I think I kinda gave up on getting the answer that was "abundantly and exceedingly more than I could ask for or imagine" and just decided to be thankful for what God had blessed me with, which was enough. But then all of a sudden it appears God has begun to answer that prayer. While I see it with my own eyes I struggle with disbelief! Is this really God or is it just the circumstances? Then something else passes before me that is obviously God at work, again though, I struggle with disbelief. In my disbelief I find it hard to hope, I find it hard to have faith in Gods word though it's what I have held tight to for the past 10 years. Gods truth, Gods word is what I have held to no matter what the world says or what the world implies. So why, now, do I struggle? God has promised to answer our prayer exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ask for or imagine. Gods word says and shows repeatedly that His timing is perfect. God promises those who follow Him an abundant life - not a life of "enough". I know that I know that I know these things. Still - disbelief and .....FEAR. Afraid to believe because if I do I open doors to be hurt and or disappointed...again. It's so hard to explain. Yet, my God is so awesome, my Father. He is patient with me as I try to grasp HIS truth and hold it again. He has asked me, "Is my timing not perfect" "would you like me to take the answers back" - we all know the answers there but I needed those words. So I ask, "What do I do now" And He answers, "Do what you know to do" But right now even that is difficult for me because I am so in a state of disbelief - I am waiting to wake up or for the other shoe to drop so it's so hard to do what I know to do. God knows this. He continues to feed me through His word, through devotions, through devotions sent to me by other friends, through songs. He nudges me with patience. He helps me to see more clearly and to feel the ground that I stand on so I am not so shaken. I really want the end result NOW but God is promising me beauty in the process. I want to do NOW better than I am - but I am struggling. It's a new place, a challenge of a place. I want to do all that He has called me to do and I want to do it well. Again, it's a challenge. I look at worldly things and allow my foundation to shake and my focus to get off of His Truth and then feel like I have to start all over.
That's really all I can say right now - I am surprised I was able to put that much together and get it out there. Your prayers are appreciated. Any encouragement you want to send my way is also appreciated.
We all must embrace where we are in our walk right now - even when it's hard, put all your effort into getting the grasp so we can embrace!
Lots of love!
D. J.
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