I am all about being real, being open...but sometimes it's just to raw, it's too revealing...it hurts, its an admission of imperfection and the lack of a perfect life. It's admitting that I am not all I wish I were at this point in my life. Why does it take so little sometimes to shake me. To shake my confidence in who God created me to be, to shake my confidence in the truth that God will take care of me in ALL WAYS for always. Today I really wish I could post on this blog a prayer to God and then read his response in the comments section. I need it to be that easy today.
Last night I was emotional - I tend to be more so at times than others. Last night was a more so. My hubby was doing something that really irritates me - nothing awful, just irritating. My little girl was being rather demanding and I decided I was tired of being the one to tell her no...and hubby didn't catch the hint so he didn't say no either. Long story short - she spilled her dinner and I had to get the shampooer out and clean up the mess...all while hubby kept doing his irritating thing. I yelled at Brandy. I yelled at her not because of the mess, but because I was mad at my husband for not helping out. As if that wasn't bad enough - it escalated between my husband and I from there. He said things I hope he didn't mean, I tried to communicate my frustrations which I think were not comprehended...ugh! I apologized to Brandy for yelling at her this morning. I told my husband that no matter how mad I got at him I would always love him and I would always fight for us. I hate it when we have arguments like that...hate it. They totally shake me to the core and I just can't grasp it all, I can't take it all in and figure it all out. I doubt myself, any confidence I had is shaky at best, and so I find myself struggling today to focus on anything. I would really like God to comment and say - "I am doing this (specifics here) and you need to do this (specifics) for today", "you don't need to worry about this (specific), I have got it taken care of", "Yes, I do love you, Yes, I do approve of the woman you are trying to become, Yes I am proud of you" Wouldn't that be nice? Thinking about it makes me smile.
But that's not how easy it is. I do have to focus on God's truth today. I do know that. His truths - He will never leave me or forsake me, His plans are to prosper me not to harm me, He blesses me with peace, He cares for me - He has brought me through rougher journeys than this day, journeys that lasted a LONG time, He is right here with me, I can trust Him with my heart, my hopes and my dreams. These are all his truths. I still wish it were a little easier, but for today I must do what I know to do and that is to ponder His truths. Today I must pray a little more, spend a little more time talking to God and a LOT more time listening for His response.
I love music. I love how it can express my feelings in a song someone else wrote. It's proof someone else has felt similar to how I feel. I am not alone. I also love quotes. My 17 year old daughter does too. So I tell her I am down today and need some quotes from her. She recommends that I listen to a song by Addison Road. It is a good song - good for me today...but I listen to their other songs - amazing! I love that my 17 year old can plug into music that grounds her in the Lord and His promises and she can recommend it to me. It's a blessing.
I choose to believe today that God is at work for my benefit because I love him. I believe He is blessing my husband, I believe He is speaking to me about my areas that need improvement - NEWS FLASH here - In marriage there is never only 1 person at fault, there is room for improvement on both sides. I believe God is bringing forgiveness and healing to both of us and to Brandy today. He is THAT GREAT!
I hope this helps you as you read this today!
Lots of love,
D. J.
