10/13/15 9:28
I need some blogging therapy today. I don't have the money to do retail therapy...well and I don't love to shop. I haven't made it back to the gym yet for that form of therapy. This post is mainly for me to work through and process a bit of life as it is right now in hopes of kinda getting back on some sort of track. But, at the same time, by sharing I hope this helps someone else in some way.
On the morning of September 26th my step mom of 30 years passed. Since I am being transparent here, let's get it all out. I am married to my step moms son. That's right, my dad married my husbands mom. So she is more than just a step mom. She is my mother in law. She is my dads wife. She is my children's grandmother. She took good care of my dad for the 30 years they were married. She showed great love to her grandkids and her kids. She came into my life when I was about 15 - so like all normal teenagers from broken homes, I didn't like her in the beginning. She also brought a pesky little 9 year old girl with her...my step sister/sister in law. I rather like this sister now. Through the years mom grew on me. Not because of "our" relationship, but because of the relationship she had with my dad and my husband. Like I said, she took good care of my dad...that meant a lot to me. Obviously, my husband came from a broken home. After his parents divorce he stayed with his dad. In his younger years he experienced a lot of rejection and lack of value (my words, not my husbands). When mom and dad moved here 3 years ago, she was able to begin to help heal his wounds of rejection and to turn around his "no value" thinking. Again, that meant a lot to me. I didn't always agree with her - she was of a different faith - which caused a bit of strain within the family (but what family doesn't have strain). But, we were family. We were a lot of pieces of broken family that all came together, rose above, and created "good" family.
Now, here we are, without mom. My dad is trying to exist without his soul mate. My husband without this woman who was helping to heal deep wounds that only she could heal. For my three girls, this is their first experience with death. My step sister - a daughter living without her mom. They are each facing their own struggles with this loss. My struggle has been different though. My struggle isn't with my personal loss of her. I know that sounds cold and that's part of why I am struggling. It's not me being cold. My arena of thinking isn't mainly on my personal loss. Its on the loss that my loved ones are experiencing. My personal loss in this is nothing compared to theirs. Which is another piece of my struggle...if I do allow myself to mourn personal loss, I catch myself thinking I don't have the right to do that because I am one with the least significant relationship with her. I also just don't really know how to help my loved ones through this. They all grieve in such different ways and I want to help them but without nagging them. Ultimately I don't want them to hurt. It's hard to accept that I can't take that away from them. It's hard to hold on to the fact that I know they will all be okay....because right now they are not.
I would have to assume death has the potential to cause everyone affected by the death to think about life and how we are living it. I have been doing that. I wonder about regrets. What will mine be? What can I do now to eliminate potential regrets? What do I need to change right now in regards to how I live my life?
All of this is further complicated by the fact that life does not stop, it doesn't even slow down, as we try to grasp all that death brings to us. Time to process...some of us are forced back into life. We have our jobs, our children, our obligations that need our attention. Time to process...some of us just want to jump back into life though we know not how to live without the one we lost. It's as if we jump and find ourselves landing in an unfamiliar area that is exactly where life used to be. Sidebar: If I were an employer I would implement a policy of paid time off of a minimum of 2 weeks with a maximum of 30 days for those losing a close family member...regardless of their work status, part time, full time, salary...as a society we need to take care of each other and allowing time to grieve is part of that.
Okay - life didn't stop. Life backed up and life changed. This is where I am at personally. I had to drop a class because there was little chance of getting caught up after missing over a week and this particular professor didn't show an ounce of concern. While that was/is frustrating, I am believing I will get a better teacher for this class next semester and my learning experience will be better quality. The other two classes that I still have, I have had to catch up and make up ground. This is difficult even with the kindness extended by each of these professors. Just this alone has made me rethink my goals for graduating at a certain time and even my major. I fell out of my 5am workout routine and have been so physically and emotionally tired that I have yet to get back into it for even a day. This is frustrating to me. I need to accept that I am going to have to do it and risk being tired!! My eating when totally off. Which may be contributing to my feeling so tired. Actually the off eating and no working out I am sure affect my whole "thinking/processing" ability. While mom was sick I was always concerned about my dad eating well and taking care of himself, but he did pretty good overall. Now though, I need to be a bit more attentive to him and this is a shift in my normal. Then my sweet loved ones, my hubby, my girls, my sister. I am trying to make sure I make contact and connection with them to see if I can help with their grieving. Bare minimum to love on them.
I am a lover of routine. I can't just get back into my routine now though...first of all, I am playing catch up and second of all my old routine doesn't exist anymore. I have to find/create the new routine which for me is hard. This is where I have to remind myself to take baby steps. Get a few things in place first, then add a couple and allow the new routine to develop rather than thinking you have it have it all figured out today and start it tomorrow. I can still plan each day, but the new daily routine will take a bit to develop. This is why I write...I haven't made it to that place in my thinking until just now. How do you eat an elephant? Along with the development of this new daily routine...things are going to change before I get to the final new routine. I wouldn't be able to plan an adequate one right now if I wanted to because I don't know what life will look like in even two weeks! Unfortunately, life will always be about finding a new routine. We don't know how long a routine will get to last. Life changes without asking our permission. I do believe we need things so incorporated into our daily living that when life does change these things are not shaken. I am not there yet.
I feel like I just need a day of reflection. I am not afforded that right now. So for now I will do my best to just make a little bit of a pocket of time to spend reflecting. That's what I have done while working on this post. I have been interrupted a few times but at the same time I have sat here and taken several deep cleansing breaths over the past hour and a half. Those deep breaths allow us to get a better grip on reality and on right perspective.
Funny but serious note. This weekend I dropped my phone in the toilet...go ahead...laugh...ha ha.....so I had to get a new one. Thank goodness for iCloud! I lost nothing! While looking to set up my new wallpaper on my phone I came across this that I had saved and I totally don't remember saving it, "Gods PLANS for your life far exceed the CIRCUMSTANCES of your day. I have MADE you and I will CARRY you; I will SUSTAIN you and I will RESCUE you. Isaiah 46:4. I encourage you to read it - this is really what it says!! It speaks to me today.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment.
D. J.
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